The very best of Three Wolf Shirt reviews

Recently, a t-shirt on Amazon started getting reviews about its magic powers. Almost 500 of them. College Humor is taking credit, and mainstream media is all over the story. Viral-ironic-review-gasm! Now that there are so many reviews, it's hard to find the funny ones that made this whole thing so popular in the first place. In the spirit of filtering out the garbage for the sake of finding hilarious reading material (and after sifting through 48 pages of reviews), I give you the top 'Three Wolf Moon' reviews:

"When I put it on, the effect was immediate. 33% more wolf was almost too much to handle. It was like wearing 1500 ccs of chaps on a 1800 cc motorcycle. The vibrations alone were almost enough to throw me off my stride. And the fact that the third wolf faces backwards while howling, demonstrating individuality at the same time as unity of purpose and nobility of spirit, was a metaphor so powerful Roy, the guy who steals my mail, practically took his own foot off with his weed whacker the moment he saw me.

Jesus.

After suturing him up with some spare baling twine, I trotted down to the hardware store to stock up. Bad idea. The rippling of my well endowed man curves apparently set the wolves to almost a hypnotic shimmering, trapped and yet freed under the opalescent moon they eternally worship and yet deny. Some guy took one look at me and backed right into a concrete planter. I almost stopped to see if he was ok, but then I remembered that wolves don't stop for anybody, particularly when howling."
- Yossarian

I hit upon the idea of buying all the sizes between mine and the largest available, and wearing them in layers. The following is a cautionary tale.

I wore the first shirt, and I could feel the icy cold polar winds cooling my mind. I felt my hands first go numb, then tingle with warm energy that seared from my fingertips up to chest. I did not wait to try the initial mystic powers of this shirt as others have, but in foolish haste wore the next one on top.

Lo and behold, a portal opened on my chest and brilliant white light emanated from it. My ears rang with the voices of generations of Ancient Wolves -- who all spoke like James Earl Jones -- whispering to me, revealing dark secrets in an unspeakable tongue. My mind latched on to the highest level of consciousness as the underlying structure of the Universe, nay, Multiverse was revealed to me.

The lifeforce Ki coursed through my body, replacing the very blood that flowed through my veins. I heard my heart beat faster and faster until all I heard was a sinister, syncopated hum. My mouth was too feeble to parse my mind, and all I could do was babble, but I watched my primitive babblings take form outside my mouth and contort in fantabulous forms, twisting reality as they moved in their primitive ways. I felt a butterfly flutter its wings halfway around the world. I felt the oceans ripple with the sound of the deepest whale in the world.

I realized that I was attaining a new balance, as the wolves are male priests, who with their howls, were invoking the Apollonian half of the All-Mind -- for my mind was no longer just my own -- and the feminine Moon harkens to the Dionysian half.

It is in this state of bliss that I gazed upon the true nature of Humanity and I was saddened, and I yearned for a lesser understanding. My hands regretted as they pulled away the upper t-shirt.

I now continue to live my life simply, attracting women as the others before me have done. I wear the size that fits me, and I burned away the rest. After all, it's not the size that matters, but how it is used.
- Quiet One

To all of those who have so selfishly purchased and worn the "Three Wolf Moon" T-shirt, I say this: be ashamed. It is obvious that this shirt was meant for so much more than to be worn about by frail mortal beings. So much more in fact I dare say that we must destroy all but one, and to reserve and protect this one "Three Wolf Moon" T-shirt for... the Son of God himself. To be placed about His glorious structure upon His triumphant return to earth. I feel only then will He, the Savior of all mankind, visualize and feel the beauty that we, imperfect sinners, are capable of creating, and just maybe, realize that we may be worth saving.
- Gene "Mere Mortal"

With the 3 wolves moon shirt on, I wandered the countryside, till I happened upon a sword in a stone in the middle of the forest. Walking to it, I placed my hand upon it's mighty handle, and felt the surge of 3 wolves-moon power, and drew it cleanly from the stone.

From the lake across from the stone, the angelic voices of a choir arose, and the Lady of the Lake drew forth, and she spoke "Honorable sir, you have no need of Excalibur, for your three wolves and moon garment grants you more power than anything in this world, or the next. I ask your favor to return the sword as your humble servant".

As she was a hot babe in silvery chain mail goodness, I did return the sword. Then the Lady in the Lake, and I hooked up for the weekend. With her cries of "THE MAN AND SHIRT ARE ONE!"
-Reverend Del "Reverend Del"

My friend and I are going to attempt to trasfer the design to the rear view mirror of my truck. Should increase the horsepower of the vehicle by about 50. Mostly because the horses under the hood will be running in fear of the wolves on my shirt and truck.
- Tyler J. Winegarden

I am the CEO of a large multi-national technology company. At a recent Exec meeting, I questioned the cause of the success of our new VP Sales.

He informed me that his field sales teams have been instucted to wear Three Wolf Moon for ALL client engagements. The professional appearence and respect they they have earned has been instrumental in our survival.
Despite the economic downturn we have seen 2000% growth in sales and are all set for massive windfall bonuses.

I would recommend anyone struggling in the current economic climate to purchase this product to ensure they can weather the storm.
-  M. Tollerman "CEO - Wolven Tech Networks PLC"

First off, I would like to start out with saying, if you don't believe the hype behind this shirt... don't. There is no way to adequately describe the sheer awesomeness of this shirt in a simple review. And no, I don't mean awesome as in the colloquial version kids throw around today meaning "kinda cool." I mean awesome in the sense it was originally intended, as in watching Godzilla and John McCain battle head to head during a thunderstorm in the middle of the Grand Canyon at sunset just after a solar eclipse.
- Colin C "Colin"

I have cats and I am a man. You're probably thinking that is a contradiction. However, my cats are especially masculine. You might have heard of a little something called a lion... well the only difference between my cats and a lion is my cats never sleep. My cats are so tough. They are not afraid of water. They take showers with me. So I bought this shirt because I also like wolves. Big mistake. Upon seeing my shirt both of my cats died instantly while bodily fluids poured out of every orifice in their bodies. I'm telling you right now you do not want to see this. Whatever you're imagining this must be like it is much worse in person. Sometimes I think back to the cat times, but mostly I think of the future. This Three Wolf Moon shirt may have killed my two cats, but now I have three Wolves. Incidentally, the Wolves' food is much cheaper as they feed on female attention.
- T.I.C.

I will admit I was reticent to order this, my fear being "would Amazon actually sell ME a Three Wolf Moon shirt? Was I worthy enough to rock such an outfit? Was I even ready?" I realized that was just the Banana Republic part of me talking and I should never, ever listen to it again. So I finally worked up my courage and placed my order. When my day of glory came, even the mailman knew there was something extraordinary about this particular package because he handed it to me with a wink and a smile. Then he disappeared into thin air, but that is a tale for another time.

I could actually feel the package pulsating in my arms. I quickly opened it and I must tell you right now, I was not expecting what happened next. I unfolded my elegant raven garment (Amazon calls it a 'shirt', but that's like saying Johnny Cash was just a man) and lay my gaze upon those silkscreen wolves....

...I've never felt so much like Toby Keith in my life.
- Byron 'Gator' Mcintyre

I love this shirt- There is only ONE thing BETTER, that I find myself wearing more. My black tee with the twin towers. It has an eagle flying over the towers with a yellow ribbon that says "Never Forget". At the foot of the towers is an NY fire dept. helmet.. amongst some rubble. You should all know. We should NEVER FORGET. I am currently designing a 9-11 NEVER FORGET design with inclusion of the 3 wolves. Then I will never have to make the hard decision of which shirt to wear. Send me your design ideas on HOW to make this even better. Add a moon? some Bats? I was maybe thinking - the General Lee?
-  www.twitter.com/Bo_Matthews.

I have experienced many highs in my life. The scratch-off lottery ticket I purchased in lieu of a bottle of Boone's Farm that resulted in $500 spending cash. The used black Camaro I bought with those winnings. Meeting Hulk Hogan. But nothing compares with the day my Three Wolves One Moon t-shirt arrived...

...From around the corner came an enormous, weathered gray wolf. He approached me with a gleam in his eye, stepped off his customized Segway, and dropped a brown package from his dripping maw. I thanked the beast and bid him adieu. Before I could so much as lean over to pick up the package it rose into the air with a loud hum, split open and there before me hovered the Three Wolves One Moon t-shirt.

That was thirteen months ago. Thirteen months of adventures that I can barely describe lest I be labeled a lunatic. A few highlights for the true believers:

- The spirits of Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee and Sara Lee have visited me on occasion, drawn by the mystic power of the wolves three. They share secrets of the dead and we play cornhole from dusk to dawn.

- When the moon is full I am compelled to seek out and Greco-Roman wrestle the legendary Bigfoot. Afterwards we dine at the closest Waffle House.

- One afternoon the shirt displaced me in time and space. I found myself face to face with four young men in a struggling rock band. Inspired by the shirt, I scrawled lyrics onto the Big Gulp I had traveled with and bade them take it. And that's how `Hungry Like the Wolf' was born.
- R. Henderson "Wolf Starchild"

When my order arrived, I was not disappointed. As the UPS truck was driving down the street with my delivery, my female neighbors began opening their doors and stepping outside. I suspect the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt contains powerful lupine pheromones.

The shirt is made up of soft cotton. I was grateful to see this as it flexed as my muscles grew after donning this garment.

The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt gave me a +10 resistance to energy attacks, +8 Strength, and added 30 feet to my normal leap. I cannot list the specific effects involving the opposite sex as I am still discovering these. And they are many.

Since owning the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, I have successfully solved 7 crimes in my city, including 4 cold case murders. The local police force is currently wishing to retain my services.

I do have one complaint, and that's that I must stay indoors on windy days. Last fall we had a windy day and I received notice that hundreds of women were suddenly pregnant, carrying my offspring, up to 12 miles away.
- Lupidorr Theopian

In the ancient world, the role of the shaman was to purge and quell your earthly vessel of the evil spirits that permeated the universe and all its inhabitants. Through meditational practices, various oils, and constant focus, these shaman spoke directly to the spirits that lie malignant within your soul. They called this soul "Shakira" and its gyrations were rare and indeed powerful...

...In this world, the shaman has become a myth. His role as intermediary between the world of spirits and the world of man has been all but forgotten. Yet the malaise remains. It resides in our love handles. Our inability to maintain an erection. Our hatred of other races. Our yellow toenails. Inside of our livers, countless toxins sap us of our life force.

Where has he gone, this ethereal creature known as the shaman? Will our shakiras ever gyrate properly? Will our colons ever release all that rancid roast beef?

Woven deep within the mountains of shaman country, the three wolves design is specifically formulated to wick harmful toxins from deep within your loins, where it is channeled through the howling wolves and into the aurora borealis, where it will remain forever. On certain nights, when the northern lights shine brightly as a reminder that your soul has been cleansed, you'll thank the three wolves brand t-shirt for the salvation you have received.
- thewolfontheright "wolfjam"

When I put on this shirt, my penis grew three inches - one for each wolf, I suspect.
- southcitymom

To only supply five stars to rate this "item" is insufficient and an audacious oversight. This is not an item, but instead a life tool for anyone seeking an inner peace. You do not "wear" this shirt. It "owns" you... This gift is like Cialis for the soul.
- Don A. Hulse

Recently, my girlfriend asked me to meet her parents. I was hesitant at first, and declined the offer for a couple of months. Finally, she wore me down and got me to agree. Her parents are rich enough to own Bill Gates, and they insisted that we go to some nice steak restaurant. Despite her objections, I wore this shirt.

The first thing her father noticed on me was this shirt and, upon shaking my hand, he started to call me son. As soon as we sat down, he wrote me a check for 100,000 dollars and told me to call him if I ever needed anything, and her beautiful mother began rubbing my leg in a not unpleasent way.

Half way through the dinner, a man collapsed at the table next to us. I jumped to my feet and assessed the situation. I discovered that he was choking on a rather large piece of steak. Now I have no medical training, but the shirt showed me how to save this man's life. And I did.

So grateful for my actions, the man paid for my dinner and gave me the keys to his new corvette outside. Then the waiters all gave me their tips, winking at me and mouthing "nice shirt."
- David Luzader

I accidentally spilled a glass of Tuscan Whole Milk down the front of this shirt, and my soul was torn from my body and thrown into heaven by a jealous God.
- Chaon

I bought four of these T-shirts one for myself (size XXXL) and one for each of my Avatars (Small, Medium and ages 2-4).
- Tonksy

Feel free to add more in the comments, but all lame entries will be deleted.

Green Day got oooooold

 

image via Vulture